Just Sit Down & Write Already.

Commit to a word count that feels easy. The point here is to develop the habit. Make it one of the first things you do in your day. I make sure it is on my agenda because I am an absolute freak about crossing things off.  It feels good to me to cross an item off my to do list. It means I didn’t sit around and do nothing, and that I am moving towards my goals.

Let’s face it, you’re not a writer if you aren’t writing anything at all, ever.

To be a writer you have to write – something.

This is where to start. Write something everyday. I started with 500 words because that felt easy to me. Maybe for you it will be 200. Start there.

Writing a book can be likened to eating and elephant.  The average book starts at 50,000 well crafted words. That’s huge. You can’t do that in a day. Maybe in a month (Hello NaNoWriMo) but not in a day, and more than likely not on your first go. You need to flex your muscles, get the words flowing and learn how to show up even when inspiration doesn’t. You do that one day, one word at a time. After all, the water can’t flow unless you turn on the tap.

Another thing that messes with our all too fragile heads is our role models. For me it’s people like Liz Gilbert and Brene Brown that totally do a number on me.  They have put out such wise, well crafted work.  My goal is to be like them.  If I let myself dwell too long on comparing my work to Brene’s, I would never let a word I write see the light of day.  I have to remind myself that she started somewhere too.  Fortunately, we also live in the age of the internet, and both of these women do regular talks, so I have heard their stories about how they got to where they are.  It was entirely one step at a time, starting at the beginning.

I am not going to create an empire with my first blog post, or a best seller with my first book. It just doesn’t happen that way. Neither are you.  Focus on the words. Focus on showing up every day. This is your job. It’s not your job to be a genius. It’s your job to be at the keyboard, putting the words on the page, being open to inspiration, so that when genius does decide to show up, you are there to meet her.

Liz Gilbert has some awesome stuff to say about genius. I’ll let her do the talking 🙂

Failure Alchemy

We all fail.

Heroes fail.

That is part of life.

I failed yesterday, in a manner of speaking. I have been hard at work on getting some serious habits in place that will support me in growing my writing practice, getting published more, growing my business, and ultimately making more money. Let’s face it, I would love to say that I have loftier goals, but the truth is, that is at the crux of everything that I have been doing for the last five years or so.

It makes me uncomfortable to even put it right out there, but there it is.

I have been kicking ass at developing these habits, 500 words a day, working out regularly, posting to social media and things like that.  I have even got a beta e book project that I am working on.  I have been killing it.  Wrote 10,000 words last month, am right on track for the ebook I have in progress and have been at the gym at least three times a week.

Until yesterday.

Fell off the wagon huge.

Now, I could sit here and make excuses. I was taken down by allergies,  my head was a foggy mess, my body ached from maybe overdoing it at the gym a bit, and I needed to sleep. How I was feeling was making me cry. I was pretty pathetic.

Truth is, I could have hit my goals anyhow.

I could have muscled through. I wasn’t dead.

I need to acknowledge, first off, that I chose not to.

Secondly, I need to recognize that sometimes I need to listen to my body.

And I also need to acknowledge that today is a new day.

I could see it as a failure, and a big part of my mind was shouting at me that I suck, that I failed and it’s all over.  Don’t I always do this after all? Screw it up?

Maybe.

Maybe not.

Maybe what is true is that yesterday wasn’t a screw up. What would be is not getting back on it today, shuffling the list, and making it work to get it all done anyhow, along with the housework that is calling, and the laundry that needs to get done.

The only way shit gets done is one thing at a time.

And the only time we have to do it is right now.

Fretting about yesterday would only take me away from the right now that I have to get the shit done.

Accept the choice to set it down. Acknowledge that it’s time to pick it back up, and get back onto the path.

Take one step forward.

Feel the resistance.

Push back against it.

This is how we grow.

This is how we make failure not failure. This is how we make failure into a future.

Grow Up & Show Up

I am coming to believe that learning how to show up is a part of growing up.

Now, I am one who believes that we are never done growing up.  Investigating showing up this week has uncovered some interesting notions for me, because we don’t really see ourselves until we actually look. Kind of like how we can avoid looking in the mirror if we are feeling fat, we can also avoid looking at ourselves if we know we aren’t quite measuring up to our true potential. There are so many excuses, and such convincing voices that give us license to half ass our lives.  I came face to face with mine this week, she must have known I was listening, because she took the opportunity to be heard.  “You don’t need to go to the gym, you’re tired. You deserve to go back to bed.  We don’t want to go. It’s not that important. You went Monday, you don’t need to go today. “ Or about writing, or those cookies that my husband bought that were so delicious. She had a lot to say.

When I was listening to her, though, I realized that she isn’t me.  I am not entirely certain yet who she is, nor that she is always an aspect of the same part of me, but she is most certainly not telling me the truth, nor is she serving my higher purpose.  She is an old friend, and I am not certain she will ever leave, but I am learning to give her the drivers seat less and less.  She doesn’t need control, she just needs to be heard, and loved.

It’s not always easy to hear that voice and keep going. She is awfully loud and convincing, especially when she is the first voice I hear upon getting out of bed.  Apparently she is up early.  I did my thing anyway, and I learned something powerful.  This voice, she is like the weather.  More specifically, I think she is like clouds.  Always active somewhere, she can cover the sun, and bring storms, rain and wind. She can cause quite a ruckus, and that ruckus is important, but something more powerful drives me.

There is a force at my core that is molten and powerful.  It flows beneath the surface, from a source deep within my being.  Fuelled by the fire of my passion and driven by the light of my soul, it moves me.  Like the continents, what drives me is not the weather, but the molten mantle that flows beneath my outer shell.  Almost entirely invisible, it is a monumental force that flinches not at storms and wind, flowing untroubled and undisturbed, driving the very foundations of my being.

To show up in a powerful way, to be able to resist the pull of the weather in my mind, I had to connect to this part of myself.  And I am not entirely certain it was always molten like this.  Lava, when it is cool, becomes rock.  Rock is inert.  Perhaps that is why so many people are “stuck”, having neglected the fires of their passions and the light of their souls for so long they’ve fallen to embers, and their core has hardened, no longer able to move the foundations of their being and fuel their progress across the landscape of their lives.

I am not done with this idea, this imagery is not fully formed in my minds eye and so I can’t take it any further in this post, though I know it feel unfinished.  I will continue to explore and expand it, and share it with you all as I do.

Know this, that how you show up is up to you, and you alone.  The driver of your life is no one else.  No one else can create your foundations, or move your being.  Even if you choose to let others do the creating for you, that choice is one that you made.

And as you grow, and look at yourself in your inner mirror, and the mirror of your life, you will begin to see what you have created, and have the opportunity to make a different choice and embrace the force of nature that you are at your core.

Revolutionize Your Life

Who are you? What do you believe in? What future do you want to create?

It’s time for a revolution.  We can all see that.  Any one who can’t is blind or self deluded, living in their sleep.  The signs are clear as day.  It’s now or never.

The thing is, it’s not time for torches and pitchforks. That is not the only kind of revolution we need.  Yes, people need to the hit the streets, put pressure on the institution and create change in that arena, for sure.  That’s not the only arena though.  The arena that will make the work those brave warriors do sustainable is the one right in front of you.

Your fucking life.

Creating change in policy and government doesn’t mean shit if we are still all taking the plastic bags at the grocery store.  Does there really need to be a law put in place for plastic grocery bags to go the way of the dodo bird? What if we just stopped using them? What if petroleum products became obsolete because people just don’t want them anymore? This sounds utopian, and in a way it is, but it could be that simple.

It takes us waking up in our own lives and realizing that as small as we are, our actions and choices matter. Every single one of us. It takes revolutionizing your life, from the inside out.  Evolving the way you think, feel and act in every way will create a different world.

The every day revolution.

Can’t you see that expecting other people to create change so you don’t have to change doesn’t work? Can’t you see that it will take YOU CHANGING? That’s how change happens.  With you.

We don’t like change, we don’t like TO change.  Change is uncomfortable.  The truth is, though, that you can either create change or change will be forced upon you. Change is going to happen whether you want it to or not.  Be a part of it, or be a victim of it, change is life.  It is literally the only constant aspect of the universe, the one thing that does not change is the constancy of CHANGE.

Run it, or get run by it.  Change happens.

Wake up.  Make it happen.

Feel the fear and do it anyway.

You’re never going to feel like it.  Show up anyway.

I get it, waking up in a life that you created that you are miserable in is UNCOMFORTABLE.  Easier to go back to sleep.  It feels like SHIT to show up and do the hard work some days.  Feels better to wimp out, grab a bag of chips and sedate yourself with a netflix binge.  Been there.  Done that.  It doesn’t get shit done, and the same shit that you are hiding from will be knocking on your door tomorrow, or next week, or next month, or next year, and it will be bigger, scarier and harder to heal.  Better to face it now.

Wake up.

Welcome to your revolution.

Tame Your Triggers

We have all been triggered.

I can bet that you know that feeling where you were rational one minute, then something happens and all of a sudden you are in full on screaming, swearing, lose-your-mind rampaging bear mode.

You’ve lost it.

And then ten minutes later you feel awful and guilty because you’ve said things you don’t mean, your child is crying and you are spent.

Sucks.

I have found a simple process that will help you diffuse a trigger once it’s activated.

Have a look.

Five Steps to Moving Through a Trigger

Right click on this image and save it to your laptop, or tap and hold on your mobile to save it to your pictures.

Actionning these five simple steps will take the wind out of a trigger and prevent the damage a meltdown can do.

Because here’s the thing.  How are we going to teach our children how to NOT melt down and handle their big scary emotions if we don’t know how to do so ourselves?

Healing is possible.  Peace is possible. Let me help you find it.

xo mamas

Steph

This Blog is All About YOU.

All about you

It’s all about self care these days.  Making your quality of life the top priority.  Mani’s, pedi’s, vacations, date nights, me time, and self help books.

Here’s the thing though, it is really easy to misunderstand this as making everything all about you and your well being.  Expecting others to put your well being before their own, expecting them to act so that you can “feel better”.

It isn’t about making it all about you.  From what I have observed of relationships, self care and well being, this easily becomes selfishness.  Making yourself the centre of the universe and expecting all others around you to be responsible for your well being.

This is the exact opposite of how it actually works.  More often than not it leads to relationship problems, conflict and and a deep dissatisfaction with your own quality of life.  You feel as though you never have enough to make yourself happy, as though you are constantly running on empty And when you do find contentment, it is short lived.

Showing up for yourself is different. It’s all about choices. You cannot expect other people to be responsible for your personal well being.  That is your job and yours alone.  In this way, you have complete control over what you participate in, and what you don’t.  You can choose how to interact with your world, your family, your work no matter how they all show up in your life.  You choose your orientation towards the world.

Can you see the shift here? It’s a subtle one, and incredibly powerful.  The key is who you deem to be responsible for creating and maintaining your well being.  When you make it all about you, you put others in charge of your happiness by expecting them to do, be and believe as is best for you.  For example, your kids shouldn’t fight with you because it makes you anxious.  They ought not disobey because it makes you angry.  Your husband needs to do the chores you expect him to do, because when he doesn’t it’s aggravating to you.

Showing up for yourself changes this picture.  When you are practising showing up for your own well being you will handle a kid who is being difficult in a completely different way.  You will recognize that he is inviting you to fight, and choose not to participate  because it takes away from your well being.  You shift your orientation towards this situation by connecting to your calm centre and handling the situation from a place of calm and peace.

The key question is, who do you believe is responsible for your well being? The answer will make all the difference in your quality of life.

My Relaxation Habit.

Relaxing-kratom

When I work with clients, my number one healing recommendation is learning how to relax and cultivating a daily practice of energy relaxation.

Not blobbing in front of the TV, not drinking a glass of wine.  Relaxing.  It is honestly the practice of doing NOTHING.  Modern mom’s have a hard time with that.  I am willing to bet your immediate thought is “But what about this! And that! I can’t possibly do NOTHING for any length of time! I don’t have TIME!”.  And I am willing to bet underneath that is this ache to do just that.  Nothing.  Maybe even forever.

It’s not a habit modern adults are adept at, but it is entirely foundational to combatting stress, and consequently stress related illness.

My teacher has just launched a 30 Day Challenge to help you learn how to do just that; NOTHING.

In this challenge package is everything you need to start the process of cultivating a daily Energy Relaxation practice that will activate your body’s innate healing capacity, reduce stress and improve your overall quality of life.

I speak from experience.  This is a habit I have developed in my life and the benefits are incredible.

As a parent I have more patience, compassion and stamina to deal with all the challenges life throws at me.  I have more energy for my kids, my work, and my play.  I feel expanded inside, calm and stable.  This practice has helped me heal anxiety, grow my business and be open to inspiration on a day to day basis.

Hop over here to learn more and to join the challenge.

On Anxiety

anxiety

So many of us are deeply familiar with anxiety.  That feeling in your belly of butterflies, and fire.  That fogginess in your head. The tingles in your skin.  The flutters in your heart and the racing in your mind.

And the not wanting to be feeling it, and willing yourself to feel something, anything, else.

Here’s the thing though.  You cannot expect yourself to be anywhere that you are not.  And expecting yourself to feel something that you are not is a sure recipe for shut down.

If you imagine that anxiety is simply new energy moving through you, when you expect yourself to feel something that you are not feeling, you shut down.  And that new energy gets stuck.  It can’t move through.  Thus sticking you with exactly what you don’t want to be feeling.

Cultivating a practice of relaxation helps to develop the ability to open up, and remain open around challenging or uncomfortable energy.  Visit the “Relaxation” tab on the menu to find recordings that will help you develop this habit.

xo friends 🙂 Chat soon.

How Our Kids Raise Us

There is so much talk on the inter webs about how to raise our kids.  Do this, don’t do that, and for god’s sake NEVER DO THAT.  So much judgement, division, stress and anxiety.  It’s no wonder that most moms I talk to feel alone, isolated, stressed and believe they are failing their kids in one way or another.

Dr. Shefali Tsabary has pioneered a new and different perspective on raising our kids.  She calls it Conscious Parenting.

The essence of it is that parenting is not about our kids, at least not entirely.  It’s also, and powerfully, about us.

We have somehow learned to believe that once we become and adult, we are done.  Our learning is finished, our development complete.  We know it all, we know better, and we can and SHOULD lead the way.

No pressure or anything.

Dr. Shefali suggests that a powerful flip in this perspective shifts everything about parenting.  Rather than seeing it as all about being in charge and moulding our children in the way we believe they ought to be moulded, rather she suggests acting from a position of observation, reflection and self development.

Have a look at this talk where she explains the crux of what Conscious Parenting is all about.

When our kids trigger us, which they absolutely will as they are perfectly designed to do so, rather than diving into victim or exploding into anger and then riding the wave of guilt and shame that goes along with it, she suggests a different course.  Observe the situation.  Situations are, after all, neutral.  Not good, or bad, they simply are what they are. What triggered you? How did it make you feel? Can you see how the behaviour of your child is reflected in you?  Can you see that the trigger reflects not something that is lacking in your child, but something in you that is crying out to be healed?

The world is on a dangerous path.  Many people I speak to have said that it looks as though it is run by a bunch of arrogant and emotional teenagers.  Schoolyard politics, entitlement, mood swings, gang mentality, the works.  To me, this speaks to the collective emotional and spiritual development of the human race.  There is much healing and growth to be done.

Who better to do that work than parents?

This is not a path for the faint of heart.  It does not allow for you to be a victim, and to pass off your power to another.  It calls you to step forward into your power and take action to embrace, change, or leave each and every situation you find yourself in.

Keep following me here to learn more. Parenting is my passion. Healing is my work.  Education is my super power.  I am here to support you.

Happiness doesn’t live in a box

The thing about patience, control and our kids is really about trying to put them, and us in a box that neither of us fit into.

cardboard_box2_questionmarks

When you are challenged by your kids, chances are you are trying to put them in a box that they don’t want to be put in.  Clean your room NOW, because I say so.  Because if I don’t say so, and I don’t make you, then I don’t fit into that box that is labelled “Good Mom”.  If you refuse to compliantly climb into the box labelled “Good Kid” then I cannot climb into the box labeled “Good Mom” and that feels bad to me, because I want that.  Somehow I believe that happiness, contentment, is stashed away inside that box labelled “Good Mom”.  And I need to you to do what I say in order for both us to fit the dimensions of that box.
The question is, who created that box? Who is in charge of determining the dimensions of that box? Is it you? Likely not.  More likely it’s your mom, the TV, your friends, some expert on the internet.  It’s very likely that the dimensions of that box are not something that resonate with who you are naturally.  That is why it doesn’t feel good to try and jam yourself into it.

The thing about kids is that they are not designed to fit inside of the boxes we created for them.  Just as we are not designed to fit comfortably into the box that society, our “friends”, or our own mothers designed for us. And happiness doesn’t live there.

Paradoxically, the development of patience, while it does seem to fit in the category of “Good Mom” does not come from contorting ourselves or our children to fit into the “Good” box.  It really comes from throwing away the box, really looking deeply into ourselves, and our children, and becoming soft and pliable.  It comes from a really deep place of allowing.  It comes really from throwing away all conventional expectations, getting to know who you are your child are, and then designing your lives to fit the shape of your souls, rather than demanding that your souls conform to the shape society says they “should”.

It is here that contentment lies.  It is here that we are free to connect with the truth and the peace that are hidden deep at our core.

Patience really comes from throwing away the box and designing your life, your way.  It comes from releasing control, developing vision and having the courage to be the square peg in the round hole that you really, truly are.